Year of the Wood Snake

Two weeks late for the first post. I owe myself, like, two hundred pushups for that. School sucks and I hate myself, but what's new? 

I'm doing too much. Too many things and jobs and gigs and clubs and teams. And I can't drop any of it. So I guess life is shitty right now and that's it. All of my friends are sad and they come to me for all of it, but where do I go? I don't have anywhere. I don't have a place or a corner of the world.

I don't have a bed. I sleep on the couch. I barely have a family or a house anyways. With the way my dad lives, I might soon not have a house at all. I just need to move out. I need to get my own place and live alone. That's all I want to do. But I just can't, which is stupid because I'm smarter and more mature than half of the adults in my life anyways.

I have drill, community service, girlscouts, dance class, swim team, literature club, DND, and a billion other things on top of that. The things I can drop, I don't want to, and the thing I want to, I can't. But I need to just suck it up.

The bad thing is that sucking it up is really, really, really hard.

My back is wet and my hair is stringy from the rain. Sorry for such a short post, not that anyone reads these anyways. Also sorry that I only write when I'm sad.

Goodbye, and see you soon.

xoxo mbanks

Rose Quartz - Self Love

 Hello and howdy, all 2 of my readers. Life has been a bitch recently. But I guess life is always like that. I got this letter from my mom. Letter is a bit of a stretch, I guess. She sent me this necklace with cardboard on the back, saying "Rose Quartz - Self Love" on the back. It bubbled up this ugly, ugly hurt inside of me that made me angry. I took the charm, put it on a new chain, and burned the cardboard. I don't know why it made me as upset as it did. I just didn't like how it made me feel, and the statement behind it, which felt a lot like "I know I don't care about you, but you really ought to do it yourself, hon!" which ticked me off.

I can feel my family unraveling and dying by the second. Bridges shriveling up, twisting, blackening, and dying. I hate it. Family is supposed to be a thick, beautiful, love-filled, plump fruit. Mine is souring and rotting, flies of hate surrounding it. God, I hate it. It's so disgusting. I come home every day to a dying orchard. My father had a weird freak-out the other day. He started flipping his shit today for no damn reason, and for once in my life, I simply didn't care. I know that I'm cutting off everyone and moving the hell out of this state the instant I get the chance. I just need to escape, and run, run away. 

I started ballet classes. I thought that my lack of grace with emotions might be balanced by my physical grace, or something like that. Plus, I'll get calves of steel, and that's always a plus.

School starts on the fourth, so I guess I'll write about my life then. Adios!

Sand and Other Things too Small to Care About

 With Summer, usually comes the beach, following along like a puppydog. I've packed my bags and I'm getting ready to go to... somewhere sandy and water-y.

All of the heat in the United States due to the heat wave has burnt me to a crisp. My chest and ass is sunkissed, so hopefully I won't burn as much as I usually do. I've almost beaten that stupid dating sim idle game, Crush Crush.

I got a skimpy little black bikini to wear. Maybe now I won't be as pale as a ghost. I cannot wait until I'm on the shore, with a mocktail and sunglasses... God knows I need that peace.

Life is slow once more. But, a painful slow. My family is strained again. I'm just begging for time to go quicker, for the clock hands to weigh more. Three more years. Three small years before I can pack my bags and head for the mountains.

Somewhere quiet and tall. That's all I need. Away from my nasty family. Away from every person whose hurt me.

One day I'll get my freedom.

Cowboys, Dogs, Drugs, etc.

Howdy!

I guess I'm writing again. My mother went through some trouble recently. We got her van, and this little puppy dog that I took the responsibility of naming Abigail. Things were hard for about a day or two, but then I realized I shouldn't care. At the end of the day, she's just my mother; she's not my mom.

After I came to terms with the fact that I had a new dog, things kind of settled down a bit. She's cute and sweet. She has a little lump on her ribs, and I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I'm trying to push to get her to the vet so we can at least make sure she's okay. It makes me sad, since this is just another baby that Mom has left behind. But it's also a new beginning in a way. This dog doesn't have to live with any druggies or bad people anymore. She just gets to live with me and my family, and I guess that's nice because she gets to have her own place in the world. It's hard when you don't have one.

Things have been going okay. I've been spending a lot of time with my friends. I can't say I've ever had friends like I have now, which is a bit sad and a bit fortunate, but I guess that means the worst is behind me, and that's nice. I don't like it when bad things are in front of me, and I certainly don't like when I don't quite know where they are because then I just worry and make a mountain out of a molehill. I also just don't like knowing that bad things are coming in general, because even if I know exactly where they are, I still get worried and wonder just how bad the bad thing really is.

But I do like it when good things are coming! In about less than a week, I'm going to be getting a laptop. It's going to be nice, good specs and everything. A few days after that, I'm going to this lodge nearby my house. I've been there before as a child, but I don't really remember it all. All I really have are a few souvenirs, a few keepsakes, a few things that were supposed to help me remember, but I have to say that I failed in that sense. They help the older people in my family remember, though, which I guess is the whole point anyways. I'm going to be heading back there soon, and I'm pretty nervous. I don't get homesick easily because I move around so often that it doesn't really feel like I have a home to begin with, but I'm kind of nervous about leaving my home anyways. It's not too far from my house; I'm pretty sure it's even in the same state as me. No matter what, though, it'll be fine. In fact, it'll be fun, I hope.

 Either right before or after—not quite sure yet—I'll be going to a beach nearby my house. I'm not sure which one yet; we have two or three on our radar. If we go to one, then hopefully it's the one that my best friend, Fletcher, who I've mentioned before multiple times on this blog, has left a bottle for me on. So if I go there, I'll be happy to receive it since he and I don't see each other. No matter what, at the end of the day, I will be going to a beach, and I guess that's nice.

Life's been moving slowly for me. I've been taking biotin to help my hair grow because I don't really like having short hair. I mean, I like it, but it's just that other people don't, and I don't like that other people don't like it. I guess sacrificing that little bit of enjoyment I get from liking my short hair is okay because I like people liking me even more. But I guess that's also shallow. Then again, who really cares? It's not shallow; it's just hair. 

Overall, things have been okay, livable. And I guess that's okay because whenever things are livable, at least they're not bad.

I finished my playthrough of Red Dead Redemption 2. I did high honor for both Arthur and John, which I know doesn't mean anything since after the main storyline honor doesn't really matter. But I do plan on playing Red Dead Redemption 1 whenever I save up a little money from my job and completely platinum Red Dead Redemption 2. After that, I might play Red Dead Revolver or just engage in fan media until I get bored and move on to the next little fad that I'm into.

I move on too quickly for things sometimes, whether that be small things like games, toys, and interests of mine, or bigger things like people, places, and names. It's the middle of summer, and I've just switched grades, and that's pretty big for me. I guess while I was blindsided by moving up, I've kind of forgotten a few people along the way. I don't think that matters, though. Every single chapter of my life is taking place in a different setting. A different time, and a different place, and that's just the way things go sometimes. I think it would be nice to have some permanent company since everything I've ever known has changed and moved around and gone different places. To an extent, I suppose that's just what life is: changing, moving, and growing. But it would be nice to have some solid ground for once, a little raft in this big ocean of life that so far I've kept my head above.

Anyways, I wanted to write, but I find that I don't have much to write about. I guess this is goodbye for now. 

Until next time... Michael Banks

The Summer Trilogy

First two weeks of summer, and three whole posts. Yikes. Looks like I have stuff on my mind.

I haven't been spending time with my dad but mainly because he finds so many excuses to yell all the time. I mainly stay with my grandparents. Recently, I've moved all the boxes out of a small shed and make it into a little man-cave. Or, a boy-cave, really. In there, I keep all my comic books and snacks and weed. It's awesome and I really like it.

I've been picking guitar back up. I remember how to play it for the most part. I learned Rape Me, and Black Hole Sun. I've also been meaning to play Silent Hill, because it looks really interesting. I like how it's foggy, I think that's scary as it is.

My hair has been getting long. It used to be right to my head, but now it's long enough to put into a small, 1-inch ponytail. It's nice to have a cool neck and back, though.

I've been working on some code and drawing, but mainly I've just been taking it easy. I hope that, when I go back to school, I'll be alright. But, that's for August Michael. And I'm just May Michael.

I've been finishing shows I've started to watch. But I've been watching a few movies recently. Tusk, American Psycho, Jaws, The Craft... Lots of scary movies, but don't get it twisted, I'm not excited for Halloween. In fact, I'm dreading it. I never go trick or treating anymore. It sucks.

The one thing I like about Halloween is that it reminds me of my best friend, Fletcher. They're a Halloween-y person. I hope me and him can spend some of the Halloween weekend together. Speaking of which, he's going to a beach in my state this summer. I'm excited, because that beach is only an hour from my house. So, I have a slim chance of seeing him face-to-face. Or, rather, face-to-shoulders, because he is a giraffe.

I've seen people act crazy over this romantization of what a small town is, which is odd to see, as someone who is currently living in a small town. I check all the boxes-- knowing everyone, sand and dirt roads, weird crime, fog and rain, breakfast joints at every turn. It's small but I like it small. That might just be because I'm poor, though.

Other than all of that, I've pretty much just been eating and sleeping this summer. I'm entertained enough. But, it's just the second week. Who knows what could happen?

Ambitious, but happy... Michael Banks

Summertime and Hardships

Howdy, all! My summer has started off quite well.

I went to Lake Murray with my friends earlier this week. It was really nice. All three of us got in a floatie and pushed ourselves towards the deeper part of the lake. It was quiet, for just a minute. I remember I pushed myself down into the water to see who could hold their breath between me and a girl, while the other one sat on the floatie and counted the seconds.

Under the water was peaceful. I saw the plants and my friend's legs. It was quiet because all I had in my ears was water and not noise. I was under there for 27 seconds, but it felt so much longer. I like the water. But I'm scared of it, for some reason. I'm scared of what I can't see, that's all. 

When I had my first kiss, I was watching Grey's Anatomy. But, my second kiss was under a pontoon, in the same lake I was at this week. Almost a year ago, now. I was swimming with my friend, and we went under her pontoon, in that small spot between boat tubes. I think about that sometimes. I'm still friends with her, but she's not with me anymore.

It's like, I kept running, and she had to sit down. That's been happening a lot recently. I run, and I don't look back, but others can. They can afford to look backwards, and I can't. I wasn't born with the time to stop and look back.

I was born premature. I should've been born December 25th, but I was born on the 7th. Nowadays I find myself being premature on most other things. I can sit and listen where others can't help but talk. 

I've been talking in a tangent. Anyways, at the lake, we all said we would take turns jumping from this dock. Once the first girl jumped in, she said she saw snakes, and we had to pull her back out.

After we got back on land, we got on a kayak and went down this little river. We saw little used satvia cans, and MAGA flags, and enough turtles for all of our three lifetimes. We got to the end, and there was a log arching over the path. We got out of our boat and sat on the log, and talked for a while.

Every time I go to that lake I feel peaceful. It's a nice spot to be at.

Anyways, I've begun to try figure out drawing. I haven't been doing the best but I've been told that my shapes are good. I've also been watching BoJack Horseman. It's very good, and I heavily recommend it to anyone who hasn't watched it already.

I've been hanging out with my best friend, Fletcher, more these days. He's nice and I love him to bits but he's a little anxious. I hope one day I can really prove to him that I love him and that I'm not going to have some weird twist-villian arc.

He's been getting me into the little games he plays. Hylics, Cogdis, Deltarune, and Pseudoregalia. I think it's nice when they show me the stuff they like, because I like him.

At home, I haven't been doing so well. My house quite literally doesn't have a room for me, and I've been splinting for the past few days. Splints + sleeping on the couch = bad.

I guess I should end this soon because it's already pretty damn long.

Until next time... Michael Banks.

A Summer Prologue

It’s almost summer break, cowfolk! I’m super excited. I got some new boots from my pa and I’ve been doing pretty well.

For starters, school is almost over, and I’m hyped for that. Secondly, next year I won’t be doing band, so that’s good. But I’ll be switching to NJROTC. I hope that goes well.

I got 1290/1560 on the PSATS, 98th percentile, and I got this little award to hang up somewhere. But the spelt my name wrong on the dang thing. They said they’ll remake it, though, but I doubt it.

My dad said we’re finally gonna move. But he’s been saying that for, what, three years now? I might move out before we move. But I hope not, our trailer is as shitty as the day is long. It’s a tin can. Much too hot when the sun beats down on it, and freezing cold when winter rolls around. And the bugs, eugh. I’d rather sleep in the car sometimes.

My family is really rooting for me. Mainly so that when I get a good job and stuff, they can mooch. But they’re all telling me I’m smart and that I’ll make a good name for them. Ha! As if. I’m taking the first boy I see and marrying him ‘till he can’t even look at the colour white without being sick, and stealing his last name mission-impossible-style.

Speaking of boys, my boyfriend has been funny recently. Not in a bad way, nor a good way. But he’s just a smidgen different. I can’t quite tell what it is that’s different, but it’s something. Maybe it’s not him, but rather how I see him.

He’s okay. He’s thinks with his head, and rarely his heart. I think he’d fair from realizing that paraded purity is purely performative. But I love him very much, even if he has things to learn.

I’ve been taking showers at the start of my days, rather than the end. It helps me wake up. I’ve also began sleeping later. Probably just my brain growing into my skull and messing with my internal clock. I’ll be fine.

I realize this post is quite short, but it’s about to be lunch (I realize I mainly write before lunch— science class is apparently very boring!) so I would like to wrap this up. But a few words of wisdom for the people who see this:

A peacock's fan may be beautiful, but it's the quiet song of the robin that truly heralds the spring.

Adios! Michael Banks.

Media, Come To Thee

I’m thinking of buying RDR2 with some money from my job… Wish me luck. I also might re-watch Red River and invest in cowboy boots. Socks and sandals don’t really scream western…

My best friend, Fletcher, is getting me into Mother: Cognitive Dissonance, and The Return of the Pumpkin Rabbit. My boyfriend, Mel, is trying to get me into Cyberpunk Edgerunners, and Invincible.

I’ve been watching Fletcher play Cogdis, and it seems pretty cool. I watched TROTPR and, again, it’s swag. I might watch The Mysterious House, since it’s, like, connected to TROTPR.

As for the stuff Mel is trying to get me into, it’s cool too. I’ve been trying to watch Cyberpunk, and sometimes I watch him play the game. I think the artstyle in the anime is absolutely abhorrent but the story is okay. Invincible is really awesome, I like it a whole lot. I’m only on episode one and I heard that it gets better from there, so I’m excited.

On my own time, I’ve been reading Yotsuba and watching Azumanga Daioh. I’ve also been watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. I barely have any time to do stuff I like, what with work and school. I feel bad that I’m not really there for my friends, so when I have downtime, I try to do less stuff I like and more stuff they like.

I haven’t talked to my mother in a while. I’m sure she either got put back in jail or she’s off doing drugs again. I know I’m the last thing on her mind. It hurts but I don’t know how to process it without professional help, and God knows I’m not getting that.

I’m procrastinating again. I should be writing an essay for school, but instead, I’m writing this. So I guess I should go do what I’m supposed to. Yeah… Riiiight now… Okay… Gonna publish this and start writing… Yeeeahhh…

Yours, Michael Banks.

More Stuff That I Should Write In A Diary And Not In A Blogger Post

Howdy. Once again, it’s me, Cowboy Michael. Things are going alright. It’s the perfect weather for socks and sandals which is very very fortunate. I think socks and sandals are pretty neat and it kinds sucks that people don’t like them.

I have to go to North Carolina this week for work, so I guess that’s semi-exciting. I’ve been happy but not HAPPY. Just content. But being content is better than being sad. I don’t like being sad and I’m glad I’m not.

I might change the favicon for my site. Give the hat a little star thingy. I see those in westerns all the time.

Yeah. I might do that. I also might wanna change the colours and make it more happy-brown and less blah-grey.

I’ve been debating on watching Breaking Bad. I’ve heard it’s pretty good. I’ve been watching House M.D., Invincible, 12 Oz. Mouse, and Star Trek. I like sci-fi and honestly my site theme was stuck between cowboys or aliens. But I didn’t wanna mix the two cuz that’d be gay as fuuuuck. I like that gay twink, data. He’s so gay dude he’s such a faggy little twink. That man needs to be pegged and he needs to be pegged right now.

Twins are so annoying. The more matchy-matchy they are, the worse they are. Well, most twins are. I guess there’s some good twins. But most are annoying.

It’s really humid today. But that’s just how life is in the South. One day it can be raining cats and dogs, the next it can be sunnier than a beach, then it‘ll be as humid as Hawaii. Not just summer, all year. Crazy stuff, I’ll tell ya.

I wonder if I’ll be a good adult. I know that some people are really good kids but then they shoot up crack behind a Denny’s as an adult. And on the other hand, some kids can vape in the bathroom then go on to be a CEO. So I guess the choices I make as a young adult are just as important as the ones my parents made for me when I was a kid. Gosh, one day I’ll have kids of my own. I’ll have to make some decisions for them and set them up for their entire life. Then they’ll go off and either screw it all up or outshine me by a longshot. Or maybe they’ll turn out basic and average. Maybe I’ll turn out basic and average. Maybe average isn’t that bad at the end of the day.

My dad still owes me twenty bucks. I don’t think he’s gonna pay me back, but I’m probably gonna remember this. Just like how I remember all the other promises he makes. I know he can’t help it because we’re poor but he could at least stop it with the false hope. It’s really, like, ouch.

Lunch is in a little bit. I’m going home early today, on my own accord. Just so I can pack for this weekend. The last thing I need is to be caught at a train station with nothing but two bucks and a pair of socks.

Wish me safe travels!... Michael Banks.

Howdy, All!

Hoo-whee! Ain’t this fancy? Migrating from Neocities to Nekoweb was already a doozy- but now I have my own Blogspot instead of… Whatever this was. Yikes! This seems a whole world better than my own shitty little pages. Is this cheating? Gee, I hope not!

I guess I ought to write about my life. So. That is what I am doing. Riiiiight. Now. Okay. Anywhoosies, it’s bring your mom to lunch day at my school. Which, is MEGA GAY because they never tell the students when any darn thing is happening, so I’ve gotta guess. Debate club is going well. I’m, like, super irked by all the cameras being put up everywhere. They’re as big as pie tins for Pete’s sake! I wonder what happened to make them need all those bells and whistles. Our old cameras were fine and they were the size of a softball.

I’ve been tracking my calories with some face-chat snap-tok app, which made me realize I eat like a hog. No wonder I’ve been putting on some weight! I should really get my hunting license and get my own food again. Or, in Latin, congregate mi vita. Mi vita is very messy right now, honestly. Not for any certain reason, I guess. I should watch more western films.

I hate the doggone hunting course. It is SO, SO GAY. Look at this bullcrap.

That is the face of a very insufferable and horrible man. Look at that. His lips are pressed together to refrain himself from saying some horrible douchebaggy thing like “hahaha look at you you dumb bitch wanna learn how to clean a gun, yo?” And his hands outstretched to make it seem like I am coming towards him and he’s welcoming me. I am not coming for him. He just looks like a tool.

Well, it’s nearing lunch time so I fancy finishing this up. What if I ended this like a letter? Would that be cool, or not? We’ll see!

Starting strong... Michael Banks.